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THE TRASH REPORT: What Are You Thankful For?
by Elinor Jones
Hello Trash Pandas! Happy Thanksgiving week. This is my favorite holiday because I like eating and spending time with my family, of course—but also because I don’t have to decorate my house for it. As a parent, once Thanksgiving is over, it’s all Christmas all the time and I’m about to have sentimental clutter over every surface of my goddamn house, which will make me very cranky! I definitely did not factor in having to pretend to like Christmas when I decided to have a kid. This is something to keep in mind as you’re thinking about how sturdily you’ll want to safeguard your babymaking bits once Republicans are back in charge.
But that’s a later problem. This week is for giving thanks. I am thankful for—you guessed it—trash.
Mandate Deez Nuts
As much as I want to give in to ~the sorrows~ the BBC shared this great breakdown of how Trump’s alleged landslide was nothing but a mirage cast by our extremely stupid and racist electoral college system. I’m thankful for the data wonks who continue to crunch numbers to remind hyper-engaged news-heads like me that this is not a mandate, this was a close election, he won by the smallest popular vote margin in over 100 years, fewer than half of the votes cast went to Trump, turnout was lower than in 2020, and even in winning this year he is still millions behind Biden’s victorious total in 2020. I like to look at the state-by-state maps and click through those vast seas of red to remind myself that the election was close. Kamala got ~40% of the vote in Missouri, Kansas, Montana, Utah, Indiana, and closer to 45% in “reliably red” states like Texas and Florida. Trump does not have a mandate. Lots of people hate him. And I think that’s nice. 🙂
Department of Deez Nuts
On top of Trump being a terrible person who millions of people hate, we must also remember that he was a fairly ineffectual leader. Not yet in office, he’s already bungling his cabinet appointments, with alleged child sex trafficker Matt Gaetz having to bow out of consideration for Attorney General, but only after resigning from Congress, which means he’s now just an unemployed Florida loser with an adult son he stole from an ex-girlfriend to launder his Venmo payments for prostitution. Word on the street is that none other than Republican Grifter Emeritus Sarah Palin is mad she didn’t get a cabinet position. Imagine what a colossally pointless partisan you have to be to not get a seat at that table of jagweeds.
Attorney General Matt Gaetz has brought down his first and last sex criminal, Attorney General Matt Gaetz.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman.bsky.social) November 21, 2024 at 9:45 AM
Blind Items!
Last week I wrote about how accurate it was for Benny Blanco to point out that girls get horny for a guy with a smell. Now Crazy Days and Nights revealed a blind item alleging that Blanco’s girlfriend Selena Gomez actually paid for Blanco’s inclusion in People‘s Sexiest Men issue. And sorry, are we supposed to think that’s some sort of problem? The rich lady likes to see her beau’s face in print, so what? If my partner was a billionaire, she’d better be gassing me up at every opportunity. Besides, she could be doing so much worse with her wealth, like buying information systems and destroying the fabric of our country.
Another blind item was revealed recently and it’s that several years ago Kiefer Sutherland went to a fancy restaurant and found the texture of the tablecloth to be exquisite and proceeded to roll around all over the tablecloth like my dog on the grass after I give her a bath. He went on to touch the tablecloths where other diners were eating. So, I am thankful to Enty Lawyer (the anonymous scribe who writes that site) for sharing this with us. We can always kinda guess which actors would be assholes at a restaurant, but I for one had never thought about which actors would molest the table settings at a restaurant, and it’s a fun new thing to think through, and for that I am grateful. (You know who else I think would do something like this? Jada Pinkett Smith. She just strikes me as very tactile.)
To be fair she does look like a chicken.
— Paul (@bingowings14.bsky.social) November 23, 2024 at 6:08 AM
Goop likes Gloop
Gwyneth Paltrow shared that she likes the cranberry sauce from the can better than whatever artisanal bullshit some distant cousin tries to bring to Thanksgiving. The woman’s not right about everything—but she’s right about this. And I’d like to say: I’m thankful for cranberries. You’re a good berry. It’s not fair that we only turn to you in November or when we have UTIs. You deserve a place at every table (so long as you’re always somewhat gelatinous and with the little ridges still on).
Speaking of cool revelations, Cher has been doing press for her new memoir which I cannot wait to read, and shared (cher’ed?) that her birth name is actually Cheryl. I never considered that Cher was not Cher. I never thought about her being born as a human baby. I always assumed she was a being that appeared on earth fully formed. Like you know how the Feds basically fully admitted that UFOs are real and have been real and nobody was surprised? If they went on to say “yeah, and that’s how we got Cher” I’d be like, yes, this makes sense to me! Alas, no. She was a a wee human babe once, and her name was Cheryl. Thank you, Cher, for going by Cher.
No Thank You!
In the latest GQ magazine, Nicole Kidman revealed that the famous viral photo of her after signing the divorce papers from Tom Cruise where’s she’s got her arms up in joy and relief are not real; she said that the photos were taken when she was working on a project. She goes on to say that she’d “do anything for cinema” which is a LIE, because if she’d do anything for cinema, she’d let us continue to believe that those pictures were actually taken after she signed her divorce papers from Tom Cruise! It was the stuff of Hollywood lore, and now it’s what, nothing? Are newly divorced women not to have any viral image to replicate at their divorce parties? I thought heartbreak was supposed to feel good in a place like this, Nicole. Can we not have anything fun? No thank you for sharing this.
guess who has three hands and just got fired from the morgue
— cal? – no ppv OF (@calgif.bsky.social) October 19, 2024 at 8:15 AM
If you are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, I hope it’s a good one. If you’re not, I hope it’s a good one anyway. There’s a good roundup on where to eat on Thanksgiving if you’re not eating dry turkey with relatives you only see twice a year, and lots of other fun and heartwarming pieces in our Holiday issue. In addition to Cher, Republican failures, polls, and cranberries, I am thankful for every last one of you who reads this column. If I believed in a carceral state, I would have every last one of you arrested for being unlawfully hot and smart.
Thankfully,
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