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You did it, door-to-door doomsday cult proselytizers! You finally converted Grandma. It took you decades, but you had plenty of time to play the long game, huh, neighbors? You were right outside our door all along. Our family’s every calamity, tragedy, and moment of need was an opportunity, so you came knocking. You treated every flag we flew, every holiday we observed and every birthday we celebrated as an invitation to drop by and lecture, judge and shame the lady of the house in particular. Over the years, you wore her down. You convinced her she was small and dirty and sinful. Then, when she was widowed with dementia and most vulnerable, you finally broke her. Persistence pays! You got her soul AND her money. I don’t know how I can ever reciprocate. Unless…maybe I could target a family member of yours to convert to my faith, or lack thereof. I bet there are one or two who might do themselves a favor and try another flavor. Sure, they’d miss out on the posthumous paradise you promise. But it’s not like you’d be short somebody. You’ve still got Grandma! Your lost lamb can go where I’m going. I bet you have an idea where that’ll be. That would only be fair, right? I mean, I learned it by watching you. On second thought, nah. It would be despicable. But say hi to Grandma for me!