TopFeatured.com

All the latest gossip… sterilized for your protection.

by Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, writing this on a Sunday afternoon with a margarita in my hand and no fucks to give. Will the column be worse than usual? I don’t know that, but I do know that I was absolutely blotto on Vitamin D while I wrote it. I hope every last one of you also enjoyed the first of the three weekends of Portland spring when you think that this will be the year that you get good at gardening. 

Now, onto the gossip!

1989 > 2024

The conversation about whether Taylor Swift will endorse Joe Biden has dimmed somewhat in recent days, but disgraced former New York congressman George Santos wouldn’t let that messy fire go out. On Saturday he tweeted the following: 

I see @taylorswift13 endorsing @JoeBiden for president. I mean I see how this makes sense since 95% of her songs are about choosing the wrong guy.

I guess we can all expect a Taylor Swift revenge song on Biden in 2025…

🤣🤣🤣

— George Santos (@MrSantosNY) March 16, 2024

This is a cheap grab at headlines which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of Swift’s songwriting. In this column, I will (loud chainsaw sounds cut with music box melodies cut with growling tigers cut with an a capella children’s chorus singing a funeral song slowly and offkey) which proves that Swift’s lyricism is not inherently that of a scorned lover, and why “invisible string” off folklore is a clear analogy for her cautious yet overtly leftist public political stances. Thank you. *accepts PhD.*

The Princess Bride of Frankenstein

WHAT is up with those royals? Kate Middleton is still nowhere to be seen and the messy bitches at Kensington Palace either live for drama or are very, very stupid. Her rift with her sister-in-law Meghan Markle was widely known, but honestly, if she’s not dead or in a coma, Kate is probably thanking her lucky stars that Meg used this time to launch her highly normie brand this week. This gave gossip sluts like us at least one small distraction from wondering what kind of plastic surgery she got, and how badly it went. Meg’s new line of—well, we’re not sure what, exactly—is called American Riviera Orchard. Err, what? Are you telling me that his family plundered all those riches just to pull together focus groups that signed off on that shit? It’s like Coco Chanel always used to say: When naming a brand, always take off the last pointless gibberish word you put on. Check this out: American Orchard. Riviera Orchard. Orchard Riviera. American Riviera. All of these are better brand names! These people simply must get some haters on staff. 

Look, I’m no detective – but if I was trying to find a missing middle-aged rich lady who was tired of her shitty husband, I’d at least *ask* Pete Davidson.

— Eliza Skinner #wgastrong (@elizaskinner) March 16, 2024

Up in S-meow-k

Supermodel Cara Delevingne‘s Los Angeles home caught fire last week. Initial reports stated that her two cats had not yet been found, but then later, they were found. Swear to god, those 90 seconds in between learning that Cara Delevingne had two cats that may have died in a house fire and then finding out that they were okay were some of the longest 90 seconds of my life. I did not realize that my ability to care about anything could spring into action so quickly. The hero of the story of Cara Delevingne’s house story is, interestingly, me, for discovering the depths of my compassion. Thank you, Cara. Thank you, firefighters. And thank you, nameless celebrity cats. While the cats are safe, we’ve yet to hear about the status of her home’s famed ball pit and vagina tunnel. 

Also totally annihilated are the relations between Kelly Clarkson and her no-good ex-husband. The two are back in court again, with Clarkson demanding that her ex return some of the fees she paid to him as her “manager” when clearly her raw talent and depthless charm did all the heavy lifting there. He was never even a certified talent agent. He was, in every sense of the phrase, just some fuckin’ guy. The nerve.

Every news story about Andy Cohen the past two weeks has just been like “This guy is a good hang” https://t.co/K6zdjfju69

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 15, 2024

Oprah has been in the news this week both for ditching Weight Watchers and for wearing $3,000 pants with a ginormous zipper. Is it better to have been an investor in a fat-shaming company and then bailed once injectables rendered the diet industry useless, than to never have been rich enough to buy $3,000 jeans at all? The way I see it, she could have afforded the jeans regardless, so let’s all enjoy the zipper and forget Oprah’s long and complicated history with the wellness industry, mmmmkay?

What is Kesha up to?

Kesha is doing well and radiating happiness for the first time in a long time. This isn’t gossip as much as an important public service announcement. Kesha. Pay attention! 

Local Trash

Another week, another chunk of a Boeing aircraft has fallen out of the sky. The latest incident was on a United flight from San Francisco to Medford (why is Oregon involved in so many of these? I do not like.) when an outer piece of the fuselage noped off of there, exposing wires and other probably very important engineering components to the elements. No one was injured, and in fact nobody even knew about the issue until they landed and realized the plane was partially disrobed. A Winnie the Plane look, if you will. But not to worry, United said “we’ll conduct a thorough examination of the plane and perform all needed repairs before it returns to service.” That’s right, she’s going back to the sky! Fingers crossed it’s not your next flight!

Our friends at the Willamette Week shared a transcript of audio taken of Portland Police during a 2019 Proud Boys protest and counter-protest during which officers are heard looking for reasons to arrest folks on the left, and then stopping recording once they realize that they are being recorded. And like, we all knew that something like this was happening, it’s still shocking to read in its blatancy: “I know it might be a stretch, but if we could arrest a couple people for discon….” Not cool at all! Later in the recording (and bless the WW for sharing this) the cops talk about lunch, and that special moment that sometimes happens at work when someone picks up lunch, but you’ve already brought your lunch, so you get double lunches. Here, I’ll just share that whole part: 

Airman 1: Just tell Josh you need to swap out; he’s probably getting sandwiches. I’ll split mine with you.

Airman 2: I brought another lunch. Double the lunches.

Double the lunches. Honestly, I’ve never related to a cop more. 

That’s all for this week, Trash Pandas. I am going to sit outside with my solar panels wide open Wall-E-style and re-up my serotonin before the next phase of winter chokes us mercilessly until a point in June when we start thinking that humans simply were not meant to live like this. You can do it. I believe in you! Take comfort in knowing that few places appreciate sunshine like we do. I’m obnoxiously grateful for your time and friendship.

In excellence,