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THE TRASH REPORT: Airplanes Aren’t Cute but Your Boyfriend Could Be
by Elinor Jones
Happy new year, darling baby Trash Pandas! Welcome to the first Trash Report of 2024. The changing of the year is always a great time on social media, when the worst people you’ve ever known profess exactly the wrong goals for the coming year. The meanest and messiest people are planning to rise above toxicity this year, and you love to see it. By that I mean, we will love watching them try. And there’s really no need! We all have our delusions. I think I can be famous. Other people think that they aren’t the cause of most of their problems. It’s what keeps people interested.
I kicked off my year of trying to get famous by taking a week off writing this column (it’s going great), so I haven’t exercised my dumpster diving sleuthing skills since 2023. Wow! I wonder if it’s as easy and stupid as I remember? Let’s find out!
Happy Insurrectaversary to All Who Celebrate (Which is Everyone, Whether We Like it or Not)
Can you believe it’s been three years since Trump’s failure to overturn the results of the 2020 election, which is coincidentally (not) the day every year since then that I give up on Dryuary because the news is stressful and it always seems like a vodka tonic will make it better? (It does!) And can you also believe that we are entering another presidential election year and we have learned nothing, Trump is the presumptive nominee again, a bunch of people think the FBI was behind the insurrection, and now we’re dependent on the extremely compromised Supreme Court to decide next month if Trump can remain on the ballot in spite of all the treason? Wow, thanks, I hate all of it!
Running for president after instigating a failed insurrection is such a loser move. It’s like failing to mug someone and then asking to borrow $20 from them.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 6, 2024
Flying Emergency Landing Into the New Year
I’m a nervous flyer in the best of times despite the fact that flying is still statistically the safest way to travel, but between last week’s runway collision in Japan and then the chunk of fuselage falling off an Alaska flight out of PDX, right now I’m feeling awfully smug in my anxiety! And about that Alaska flight—I think it’s dumb that they’re calling it a “decompression event.” I don’t know what exactly I’d have in mind when the flight attendants mention a possible loss of cabin pressure during the safety demonstration, but it sure as shit isn’t part of the plane’s wall falling off mid-air.
Authorities are now asking for the public’s help in finding the blasted chunk. It’s believed to be somewhere in the Beaverton area, or wherever D.B. Cooper landed.
UPDATE: the chunk has been found! A guy named Bob found it in his back yard. Way to go, Bob! Keep looking around, a very old robber is probably kicking around back there, too.
It’s Awards Season, Y’all
The Golden Globes were held last night, marking the beginning of my favorite season: Awards. The Globes are traditionally the messiest show because WTF is the Hollywood Foreign Press? And everybody gets drunk. They’re supposed to set the pace for the Academy Awards, but also TV people are there too? It’s a mess. It’s inviting everybody to your party and feeling validated by how many of the cool kids show up. And last night, a lot of them did! Including our favorite Roy boy, Kieran Culkin, who was finally honored with a trophy, thus righting a grave wrong:
Justice pic.twitter.com/8irMw2C4J3
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 8, 2024
Speaking of awards shows, Sally Field just spilled some middle-aged tea on her ex-boyfriend, the late Burt Reynolds: Field told People that Reynolds was so grouchy about her Oscar nomination (and eventual win) for Norma Rae that he refused to accompany her to the show despite them being a few years into a relationship by that point. That she stayed dating him for quite some time after he was such a jerk only underscores how hot he and his mustache were during that time.
Bond. Defendant Bond.
The former 007 Pierce Brosnan got busted at Yellowstone for wandering off the path near the thermal areas. Fortunately, he was not injured by the incident, but clearly he’s being made an example of so that others know better. So, one could say that Brosnan is not in hot water literally, but is in hot water, metaphorically. One could say that.
In other celebrity news, Selena Gomez went to a Lakers game with boyfriend Benny Blanco and he wore an adorable floral jacket. I really hope that between Selena and Benny, Kendall Jenner with Bad Bunny and his manicures, and Taylor Swift with Travis Kelce and his fun pants, men realize that hot girls like it when fellas dress cute.
Speaking of Taylor and Travis, here’s a fun fact to put in your pocket: Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson has a higher net worth than Travis Kelce. Hot girls also like it when men aren’t intimidated by cats.
Local Trash
According to Portland Monthly, our sexy city is about to become a lot sexier with the planned opening of a romance-focused bookstore called Grand Gesture. This news is the opposite of garbage, but I’m including it in the Trash Report because some might consider the genre “trashy.” Some are wrong. I turned to romance in the early days of COVID when my brain couldn’t focus on anything but the news, and romance books kept me sane (and horny!) during a really difficult time. I wish the new store nothing but success in steaming up everybody’s glasses, if you know what I mean.
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Well, friends, I think it’s gonna be a long year. I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, it’s probably not going to be a year when anybody becomes better. Like you know how in professional sports, when a bunch of the big names have retired or left and then it’s just rookies and no-names, they call it a Rebuilding Year? Yeah, 2024 will be the opposite of that for us. A destroying year. All of us are going to get worse, it’s just a matter of how quickly, and how much. It’ll be easier for us if we accept it from the beginning. However it goes, we’re in it together.
The Best I’ll Be in 2024,
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