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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! And ohhhhhhhhhh SHIT. Christmas is a mere 8 DAYS AWAY, and you’re not nearly done with your gift shopping yet, are you? Well, do yourself and Baby Jesus a solid, because here are TWO great, and quick holiday gift ideas: Buy your loved ones tickets to the 2024 HUMP! dirty movie festival and/or tix to the funniest comedy event of the year, the Mercury‘s UNDISPUTABLE GENIUSES OF COMEDY featuring a hilarious night the very best of local comedy talent! And now, read some Baby Jesus-approved NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Another big name has jumped into the already crowded race for city commissioner in district 3… it’s former city council person Steve Novick (circa 2013-2017) who is running on a “make Portland great again” platform (also circa 2013-2017). Find out more from this story by our Courtney Vaughn.

• By the way, if you were NOT invited to be one of the 500 special people to be polled by Portland’s police union—who are using the results to sow distrust in the new, voter-approved police accountability board—you are in luck! Because I made my own (equally biased, but much more fun) poll that rips the cop union a new butthole. Fill it out quick, because I’m publishing the results later this week! 

Not to brag, but the Portland police union’s sketchy push poll got 500 responses in a week, and my ANTI-police union (also biased) poll racked up a smooth 1680 responses… in ONE DAY. (I guess I am bragging.💅) Take the poll for yourself, it’s fun! 😍https://t.co/vJkDHVB9NI

— Wm. Steven Humphrey (@WmSteveHumphrey) December 15, 2023

• Speaking of police, get ready for Portland to return to the old days of looking like a 1970s cop show, as officers will once again be allowed to engage in high-speed chases of suspects… UNLESS “safety risks posed to the community outweigh the benefit of a suspect’s capture.” I’m not sure how they are going to decide that unless the chases only go for about 100 yards, but at least it’ll give cops an excuse to look busy.

• Due to previously planned holiday travel, lots of kids and teachers are planning to be absent this week from Portland Public Schools which will continue to serve up classes to make up for time lost during the teachers strike. My kid, who did not have travel plans, asked me if she could also skip out of school this week, and was greeted by this response: “HA!! Fat Fucking CHANCE!!” (One of the reasons kids attend schools is to learn not to ask silly questions.)

• A Washington County Christian pastor has (surprise) been indicted by a grand jury on multiple charges relating to the sexual abuse of children between the years of 2008 and 2016—and now authorities are asking the public to see if even more kids were abused.

“I’m in Control Which Means Nothing Bad Will Ever Happen to Me” is the second production by PETE Presents: Portland Experimental Theater Ensemble’s mentorship program. It only plays for a weekend, so we were invited to a rehearsal—to sus out the vibe.https://t.co/Q6KifNa9se

— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) December 15, 2023

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• While the Catholic Church is still staunchly against gay marriage, the Pope threw the LGBTQ+ community a small bone by allowing priests to bless same-sex relationships as long as the ceremony doesn’t resemble anything close to what the church considers an actual cis-het marriage. Does that mealy-mouthed half-action deserve a cookie? Yeah… NO.

Clarence Thomas Was Desperate for Cash as He Cozied Up to GOP Megadonors: Report

More: https://t.co/w08Wm7lBq8 pic.twitter.com/DgbkNNAtuu

— Rolling Stone (@RollingStone) December 18, 2023

• To the surprise of no one, former Criminal-in-Chief Donald Trump continued to invoke language used by Hitler and Putin over the weekend at his deplorable-filled pep rallies. He spoke of migrants “poisoning the blood” of America and quoted Putin by invoking the “rottenness” of democracy. 

Trump, echoing Hitler: Immigrants are poisoning the blood of our country pic.twitter.com/tJdqGWIpcY

— Biden-Harris HQ (@BidenHQ) December 16, 2023

• A huge storm is pounding the east coast with rain, causing flood alerts from Virginia to Maine, affecting millions and screwing up already easily screwed-up holiday travel.

• A Delaware driver smashed his car into one of the vehicles in President Biden’s motorcade yesterday, though the president wasn’t in that particular SUV and was unharmed. It’s unclear what the driver was up to, but they are now under investigation.

• And finally… me, trying to get all my shit done before Christmas hits.

this is crazy pic.twitter.com/Hi2M5TXUrU

— non aesthetic things (@PicturesFoIder) December 17, 2023