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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Light showers return today with a high of 52, but the sun has promised to make a return this Saturday (just in time for you to get trapped at the mall while trying to finish your holiday shopping). And now, allow me to trap you in this mall of NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Portland Commish Carmen Rubio announced yesterday that she’ll be spreading the love of the city’s Clean Energy Fund, allocating $540 million from the program to go to climate projects within six bureaus—including Commissioner Mingus Mapps’ beleaguered Bureau of Transportation. These climate-friendly projects include beefing up biking networks, tree planting, energy efficient upgrades, replacing gas-powered leaf blowers, and more. (Rubio’s generosity is not only a boon to her struggling fellow commissioners, but will certainly get her expected announcement of a mayoral campaign off on the right foot.) OH, and speaking of mayoral campaigns (this time of the doomed variety)….

• The WW interviewed (wildly unqualified and mostly disliked) mayoral candidates Mingus Mapps and Rene Gonzalez, asking them about their greatest accomplishments and mistakes. Here’s Rene on his attempts to sabotage charter reform, and how he got big “fuck around and find out” vibes in return:

• It’s looking like Portland’s Thompson Elk fountain on SW Main will be reinstalled sometime next fall after funds have been attained to clean and repair the moderate damage done to it during the 2020 racial justice protests. You may remember Commissioner Dan Ryan’s dramatic tweet likening it to “the soul of Portland” which caused the eyes of many locals to roll out of their heads—but it will be a welcome return, if nothing else, because of the addition of a sweet, honkin’ big bike lane that will undoubtedly drive the scrooges of People for Portland and the local business alliance out of their got-damned minds, he-he-he.

• Pour one out for what’s about to happen to that poor robot:

 

 
 

 
 

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A post shared by The Oregonian (@theoregonian)

• A proposed mass shelter for houseless folk, intended to include RV parking, tent space, tiny cabins, and more, is suddenly looking like less than a done deal after North Portland neighbors and environmentalists pointed out that it could potentially be sitting on a contaminated toxic chemical site—though the city is welcoming any and all tests, saying they will mitigate any danger before residents move in.

• Today in “whoopsy-doodle”:

Earlier this year, far right school board candidates in Crook County, Oregon, won election after making hay over library books being a danger to kids.

This week, the district missed a bomb threat because it was in the spam email folder. pic.twitter.com/5nBCgqjBZc

— Ryan Haas (@ryanjhaas) December 12, 2023

• In this week’s edition of HEAR IN PORTLAND (your weekly dose of music news that keeps you looking smart and cool), you’ll read about a new collab from a Portlander (who unfortunately just moved away), an awesome New Year’s Eve show where you just might end up on a rooftop, and a little something for your January calendar—because it’s about to be Portland Music Month!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Because they are such feckless, theatrical losers, the House GOP is continuing their efforts to launch a Biden impeachment inquiry—even though they haven’t been able to come up with any evidence of crimes he’s supposedly committed. 🙄

• Despite the number of their own soldiers being killed after launching a ground offensive in Gaza, Israel is stubbornly doubling down on their attacks on Palestinians, predicting that the conflict (and senseless killing) could continue for months.

CNN reports that nearly half of the air-to-ground munitions that Israel has used in Gaza in its war with Hamas since Oct. 7 have been unguided, otherwise known as “dumb bombs,” according to a new US intelligence assessment: https://t.co/rs2r04mcVv pic.twitter.com/T1eCBkNTMU

— Evan Hill (@evanhill) December 14, 2023

• A Delaware domestic terrorist has pleaded guilty to attacking officers at the nation’s capitol on January 6, 2021, after his attorney explained to the judge that his client had been overwhelmed by “Foxmania,” and actually deeply believed the bullshit the right-wing news network had been feeding him. (Taking applications for Portlanders afflicted by “Mercurymania” if anyone is interested?)

Whoville celebrating Christmas means there was a Who Jesus and I can’t stop imagining what kind of insane seussical contraption they would have had to crucify people.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 14, 2023

• Trump crony Rudy Giuliani has had a change of heart and will not be testifying in his own defense in his Georgia election worker defamation case. He was previously planning on being the only witness called to the stand… but maybe he’s finally realized there is no logical defense for his actions.

• And finally… SAME.

Exclusive footage of me trying to learn a TikTok dance.🔊🆙️ pic.twitter.com/P9U7IcdE3X

— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) December 13, 2023