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Satan worshipers, demon possessions, denial of god, and chocolate. Pop quiz: what do these things have in common? If you guessed “Halloween” you are correct but also I bet you cheated by reading the title of this post, and isn’t cheating forbidden by the Ten Commandments? [Note: it isn’t. I looked it up. That’s weird] Regardless, to all you parents, think long and hard about what you’re teaching these children with trick-or-treating. That dressing as a pirate and getting candy is fun? Sure it’s fun, but do you know who it isn’t fun for? Actual pirates, that’s who. They have to dress that way for their job, and they don’t get any candy, neither. What if the pirate dressed as you, like in a suit or a hoodie or something? You wouldn’t like that one bit, I bet. Pirating was hard work! Months at sea. Everyone smelled terrible. It’s not like in the movies, you know. Some of them probably got seasick. They carved things on a whale bone just to pass the time. Think about that! That’s not fun. That’s their job! Anyway that’s why we should cancel Halloween, plus I already ate all the candy anyway. “Thou shalt not cheat.” God was really sleeping on that one. That’s low-hanging fruit right there. Woulda fit right in with the bits about lying, killing, and stealing. Also, maybe add one about not celebrating Halloween. Make it an even dozen commandments. “Thou shalt not eat all the trick-or-treat candy before trick-or-treat night” is another good one I just thought of. I bet pirates weren’t big fans of any of those commandments. And they sure as heck wouldn’t like Halloween!

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