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by Wm. Steven Humphrey

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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I’m in the business of misery. Let’s take it from the top: She’s got a body like an hourglass, it’s ticking like a clock. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• On the heels of other states offering similar incentives, sources tell KGW that Oregonians who are vaccinated will be entered to win ONE MILLLLION DOLLARS from the Oregon State Lottery, and smaller cash prizes will be offered in particular counties (presumably those who are more vaccine hesitant). Expect more info from the governor coming later today.

In Yamhill County, a proposed ordinance would prohibit people from asking others to disclose personal medical information, including vaccine status, to enter a business mask-free. https://t.co/nKILPwIWkj

— Katherine Cook (@KCookKGW) May 21, 2021

• After missing the deadline last week, Multnomah County is expected to submit the required equity vaccination plan to the state today in an effort to be moved down to the “lower risk” category (hopefully by sometime next week).

• Following that disastrous report about workplace toxicity at Portland’s Office of Community & Civic Life—in which the former leader was actually paid a year’s salary to leave—Commish Jo Ann Hardesty has announced an interim director for the bureau, Michael Montoya, the bureau’s current strategy, innovation, and performance manager. Montoya says he is accepting the temporary job with “somber enthusiasm.” (I love that phrase, but I also love “enthusiastic dread.” Good luck, Michael!)

“At the end of the day, if the PPB was truly about protecting and serving people of the city and doing a decent job at that, I wouldn’t have had to do their job from them.”https://t.co/aeVbAfMPAo

— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) May 20, 2021

• Your intestines demand salad. But the pandemic hit the brakes on salad bars. OR HAS IT? Our Suzette Smith may have found the takeout salad you’ve been hoping for in the latest edition of “Takeout Club!”

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Good news: Israel and Hamas have agreed to a cease fire… but only after some strong arming from the US, and hundreds were left dead—almost exclusively Palestinians and far too many children. So far the cease fire is holding.

• Not good news: According to estimates from the World Health Organization, COVID-19 related deaths are likely to be two to three times higher than countries are reporting. (That’s six to eight million people dead as opposed to 3.4 million.)

• According to a new AP-NORC poll, a majority of Americans believe police violence (particularly against Black people) is a serious problem and have not regained trust in the justice system to punish cops even after the conviction of Derek Chauvin who suffocated George Floyd.

• Highly related: A new video reveals that William Jennette, a Tennessee man begging to breathe after a half dozen jail officers piled on top of him, was told by one of the cops, “You shouldn’t be able to breathe, you stupid bastard.” Jennette died within minutes.

Police fired 14 shots at Andrew Brown’s car, despite guidelines discouraging firing at moving vehicles. They missed with 12 of them. https://t.co/rZ0gMcugX7

— David A. Graham (@GrahamDavidA) May 21, 2021

• In an interview with Oprah, Prince Harry accused the royal family of “total neglect” and explained how he turned to drinking and drugs following the tragic death of his mother, Princess Diana.

• It’s been revealed that a third reporter had their phone records and emails secretly obtained by the Justice Department under Trump administration orders—this time it was CNN’s Barbara Starr.

• The new CRIMINAL investigation into the Trump Organization launched by the New York Attorney General is currently focusing on Don’s pal and Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg and his personal taxes, which is not great news for Florida’s most infamous retiree if Weisselberg decides to flip.

• The grift continues: Since leaving office, Trump has charged the Secret Service $40,000 for work space at Mar-a-Lago, even though they are only there to protect him.

Some Republicans who oppose commission on Jan 6 were also witnesses to what Trump said and did that day and in the days before and after, putting them in an uncomfortable spot as potential witnesses. W/⁦@JaxAlemany⁩ & ⁦@feliciasonmez⁩: https://t.co/DWKrazOTBt

— Josh Dawsey (@jdawsey1) May 20, 2021

• You want to look GOOD, true or false? If “true,” you’ll want to purchase a new, wicked awesome Mercury T-shirt… just in time for tee season!

• HUMP! HUMP! HUMP! If you enjoy sexy stuff (and I know you do), get your tickets NOW for HUMP’s Greatest Hits, Volume 3—THIS WEEKEND—featuring some of the best short sex flicks from 15 years of HUMP! HUMP! HUMP!

• And now… THE WEATHER REPORT: Partly cloudy today with a high of 68. But a delightfully sunny Saturday is on the horizon!

• And finally, excuse me, but where can I buy a “Lindas Lindas” T-shirt? (AKA my new fave band!!!)

This band is called “The Linda Lindas” and I’m a fan now. They got the vibes right. They’re gonna go far. pic.twitter.com/nhudSmoBXs
— Lana Del Tarot (@lanadeltarot) May 20, 2021

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