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Good Afternoon, News: Hijacking the Elk, How Portland’s Wealthy Skirt Election Donation Rules, and Our Very Own Black Hole!

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by Wm. Steven Humphrey

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Hello, Im the black hole at the center of your galaxy, just in case you didnt have enough to be worried about.

“Hello, I’m the black hole at the center of your galaxy, just in case you didn’t have enough to be worried about.” Handout / Getty News

GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Did you know that non-presidential election years are historically shitty for voter turnout? THAT’S NOT GOOD. It’s especially NOT GOOD for an important primary election like the one happening next Tuesday, May 17, where sketchy puppets for Portland’s wealthy are trying to take over city council. So do me a favor, doll… AND VOTE. (And if you need help, there’s always the Mercury endorsements and cheat sheet, aren’t there? YOU’RE WELCOME.) Now let’s zoom in on some NEWS!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Speaking of sketchy puppets commanded by Portland’s wealthy: Have you read our Alex Zielinski’s FREAKING FANTASTIC takedown of the people (for Portland) behind all the recent Thompson Elk drama? She provides all the details of this ridiculous situation, as well as a damning indictment of those white Portlanders who were happy to march and support the Black Lives Matter movement… until it got personally uncomfortable and the wealthy started losing money. It’s your Mercury MUST-READ of the week!

• VERY MUCH RELATED: While public campaign financing limits have stopped Portland’s wealthy developers from personally donating any more than $250 each to their preferred candidate, Vadim Mozyrsky, they’re still able to pump hundreds of thousands into the campaign to unseat Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty by running the money through their PAC, Portland United. This OPB report explains how Portland’s rich is once again skirting the rules to put their own people in power.

• ALSO KINDA RELATED: Mayor Wheeler ordered a sweep of at least 21 homeless camps in the Old Town neighborhood in the past few days—without providing these people with any place to go. According to advocates, sweeps like these traumatize houseless individuals, while also failing “to address the root cause of their vulnerability to homicide, injury and other suffering: the lack of both affordable housing and behavioral healthcare.”

• Multnomah County Sheriff candidate Derrick Peterson has finally been given the go-ahead to earn his law enforcement certification—something that was putting quite a damper on his candidacy for the office. Plus, he claims the current sheriff was holding him back, characterizing it as another barrier he’s faced in his career as a person of color in law enforcement. Our Alex Zielinski has more.

• “Bleep-blik-BLORP!” Translated: “Calling all Portland earthlings! It’s time for POP QUIZ PDX, featuring quizzy Qs about adorable orangutans, more stupid elk drama, and tourists from other WORLDS!” Also enter to win free pizza, bleek, blorp. 🍕👽


IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Today’s TOP STORY:

• Finland has announced they are considering joining NATO (and Sweden could be next) because of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which is making Vladimir Putin FAH-URIOUS enough to warn there will be “consequences.” Meanwhile Republican Senate/Feckless Shit-Head Rand Paul has blocked the quick passage of $40 billion in aid to Ukraine.

• The January 6 committee investigating the domestic terrorist attack on the nation’s capitol has subpoenaed five Republican shit-head members of Congress, including Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

• A Pennsylvania Republican candidate for Senate, Kathy Barnette, is out-Trumping Trump with her strident anti-abortion, anti-Muslim rhetoric and the state’s GOP (and Trump) are in full panic mode.

• I, for one, welcome our BLACK HOLE overlord.

• And finally… give this person a Nobel Prize or something.

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