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by Wm. Steven Humphrey

Here’s your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin’!)

• Now don’t panic or anything, but…. Scientists are getting pretty worried that our game of catch-up with vaccine distribution and our dwindling stockpile is putting the US in serious danger of being overwhelmed by the oncoming COVID variants—some of which work fine against the new viruses, while others (like the South Africa variant that’s arrived in South Carolina) not so much.

Novavax vaccine protects against coronavirus in variant hot spots but proved less effective against strain in South Africa https://t.co/5g2JMbLTUn

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) January 28, 2021

• In Busy Biden news: Today the president continued signing more “Fuck you, Trump” executive actions, including rolling back the former president’s restrictions that weakened Obamacare. He also counteracted some of Trump’s attacks on abortion access—dropping the anti-abortion global “gag rule” and instructing the Dept. of Health and Human Services to rescind the previous administration’s order to restrict funding to Planned Parenthood and other abortion providers.

• On the heels of Biden’s new climate change executive orders, there’s this shocking (at least to me) headline: “GM to stop making gas-powered passenger cars and SUVs by 2035.” Will global warming kill me by then? Maybe, but check back in!

• Since the Domestic Terrorist Cheerleading Squad™ (AKA Republican senators) are refusing to consider convicting the former president for inciting the Capitol riot, certain Senate members are considering other strategies, such as censuring Trump and making sure he can’t run again. Other options might include making him spend ten years as a jizz-mopper at Mr. Peeps, or burying him beneath a pile of Goya beans.

The lawyer for an Arizona man who took part in the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol while sporting face paint and a furry hat with horns is offering to have his client, Jacob Chansley, testify at former President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial. https://t.co/eMde3dBPUt

— AP West Region (@APWestRegion) January 28, 2021

• In a related story…. THE DOMESTIC TERRORIST IS IN THE HOUSE! Creepy Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (who’s also a crackpot QAnon believer that believes wildfires are caused by “lasers from space”) is facing increasing pressure from all quarters (especially Nancy Pelosi) over past social media posts in which she expressed enthusiasm for executing Democrats, berated a Parkland school shooting survivor, and suggested hanging Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Meanwhile, how did House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy respond? By assigning her a spot on the congressional education committee, of course!

• Crybaby rich people are pitching a fit after Redditors and others artificially inflated stocks of struggling companies (like GameStop and AMC), thereby financially wiping out a few hedge fund assholes. But cheer up, rich folk! At least we didn’t eat you like we’ve been promising! (Though the day is still young, and we’re feeling peckish.)

Here is a FANTASTIC explanation of what’s going on with Reddit, Gamestock, the stock market, and the hedge funders who are losing their shirts thanks to a clever public plan to #EatTheRich. #HoldTheLine

(Tell me in the comments if you know the author, so I can credit.) pic.twitter.com/ilXidgA6Zp
— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) January 28, 2021

Lovely to have all these new followers .. can we just check that you know that you’re following The World Wide Robin Hood Society in Nottingham and not the Robin Hood App .. if so .. a big welcome from Sherwood 🙌

— Robin Hood (@robinhood) January 28, 2021

• After Republican Senator (and probable Zodiac Killer) Ted Cruz tweeted he agreed with Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez about investigating the current Wall Street scandal, she had this to say in response: “I am happy to work with Republicans on this issue where there’s common ground, but you almost had me murdered 3 weeks ago so you can sit this one out.” AOC then added, “Happy to work w/ almost any other GOP that aren’t trying to get me killed. In the meantime if you want to help, you can resign.” No word yet on who’s sweeping up the late Ted Cruz’ ashes.

• Troubling headline of the day: “Subway’s tuna is not tuna, but a ‘mixture of various concoctions,’ a lawsuit alleges.” Follow-up question: Why is anyone eating Subway tuna?

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Mayor Ted Wheeler has appointed former Mayor Sam Adams with the fancy title “director of strategic innovations,” a role in which he’s expected to focus on homelessness and street camping, graffiti downtown, and the economy. The Portland Business Alliance (which has historically placed the financial needs of the city’s wealthiest over practically everything else) is reportedly “thrilled” by the hire—which should tell you just about everything you need to know.

Mayor Wheeler has announced that former Mayor Sam Adams will be joining his staff.

A year ago, we wrote about Adams’ 2020 run for city council (which he eventually lost) & how Portlanders felt about his potential return to City Hall.
Time for a re-read:https://t.co/AwR1YnwisX

— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) January 28, 2021

• The man facing 14 charges (including murder) for his hit-and-run rampage in Southeast Portland on Monday is pleading “not guilty” and offering some very bizarre and unbelievable excuses for his alleged inexcusable actions. Our Alex Zielinski has more!

• The Portland dairy heir who confronted and annoyed Mayor Wheeler, and was pepper-sprayed for his trouble, has apologized to the mayor who now considers the matter closed. That’s too bad, because I had at least three more “derriere” jokes waiting in my arsenal.

• While Portland Public Schools will begin sprinkling in-school classes starting in February, they expect to be inviting all elementary, middle school, and even some high school students back to onsite classes by April. This is terrible news for the wrinkled pajama industry and fantastic news for the makers of toothpaste.

• Yesterday public health workers from Josephine County were stranded in snow traffic with some quickly expiring COVID vaccines. So a few lucky travelers got their shot early! Our Blair Stenvick explains how this “meet cute” vaccine story is just the news we needed today.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you TONIGHT, January 28!

TONIGHT! Support live music (and the Mercury) and watch the fabulous BLOSSOM (@thatsBlawesome) recorded live on stage at Polaris Hall in the debut of the Mercury Music Series! Get your “pay what you can” tickets now!https://t.co/JGSvm6zNvi

— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) January 28, 2021

• If you need “funny”: There are tons of laughs and some hilarious nationally recognized comedians on deck for the next I, Anonymous Show, streaming into your eyes on Wednesday, February 3!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot ‘n’ horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Just a touch of showers tomorrow with a high of 47!

• And finally, I mean, I’ve always heard that “children are our future”… but I gotta say I’m pretty disappointed.

What’s the German word for cute but deeply depressing pic.twitter.com/YwIVxovliX
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 28, 2021

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